Observe, Don't Absorb

What to do when you feel helpless in the face of another's loss and sorrow

Think back to the last time you witnessed someone else’s suffering. It might have been recently, maybe even today. It's heart-wrenching, isn't it? The sorrow and devastation can weigh heavily on our hearts. But I’m here to share a powerful technique to help you witness that grief without becoming a victim of it yourself. It’s something I like to call: observe, don’t absorb.

How can we, as compassionate people, endure seeing what people around us are going through? We can feel helpless and even hopeless when we are bombarded with images and messages of devastation. In this video (a replay of a "top hit") I share the exact strategies I use when I'm faced with witnessing the tragedies that seem to be non-stop in our world these days.

Many of you have shared that sleepless nights filled with horrible images plague your mind, leaving you feeling helpless. I get it. It’s tough to see others in pain, especially those we love. If you’re a parent, a devoted pet owner, or a loving spouse, watching someone you care about suffer is gut-wrenching. You want to help, but it can feel like an impossible task, adding layers of pain to your already heavy heart.

Recently, someone asked me, “What can I say to my grieving nephew who lost his two-and-a-half-year-old son?” Just typing that out sends chills down my spine—such a tragic loss. What I responded with was simple yet profound: the fact that you reached out is what matters most.

People may not remember your exact words, but they will remember the emotional support you provided just by being there.

We often get paralyzed by the fear of saying the wrong thing, and that can lead to inaction. So instead of waiting for the perfect words to come, think of phrases like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you. My heart grieves with yours.” Those sentiments were incredibly comforting during my own times of loss.

Phrases like, “It was God’s plan” or “He’s in a better place” can feel deeply insensitive to someone grieving. Sure, they might have meant well, but it’s essential to cut them some slack—they were just trying to find the right way to offer support. No matter how well-meaning, no words can completely alleviate the pain someone is feeling. Our job is not to lift their burdens entirely but to walk alongside them and bear witness to their journey.

Here’s a story to illustrate this point: A young boy noticed his neighbor was grieving the loss of his wife. The boy went over and sat with him on the steps of the man’s front porch. The boy’s mother watched this from her window and, after a while, saw that the man’s tears subsided. When the boy returned home, his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor to help him feel better. “I didn’t say anything,” the son explained. “I just sat with him while he cried.”

Well, that story is enough to make me cry. That’s a perfect example of sympathy, caring and compassion: simply being a witness to someone else's grief; being there for them, and just showing up. That is often enough.

When we’re faced with the overwhelming grief of others, it’s easy to feel helpless. But let’s remember that there is always hope. Personally, my faith gives me strength. I believe that God uses us to comfort one another, so let’s look for and allow that.

Here’s how to practice observing without absorbing:

1. Recognize that everyone has their journey. While it’s heartbreaking to witness someone’s suffering, understand that it’s their road to travel, just like you have your own. Feel for them, pray for them, and support them, but don’t let it consume you. Your ability to provide comfort hinges on your own well-being.

2. Get practical. When a friend is in crisis, think of tangible ways to help. I had a friend who showed up with a casserole when I needed it most. She didn’t ask what I needed; she just acted. Can you pick up someone’s kids or send a care package? These gestures mean the world.

3. Set boundaries with information consumption. If you’re glued to the news of massive tragedies, catastrophes, and/or events in far-flung places, this can leave you feeling anxious and overwhelmed. That is a sign that it’s time to step back. Staying informed is essential, but don’t let obsession take over your life. If it’s impacting your sleep or your relationships, that’s a clear sign you need to take a break.

4. Look for the positive elements, no matter how small. When I experienced overwhelming loss and sorrow while volunteering in animal rescue efforts in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, I found myself being swallowed up the unspeakable tragedies I witnessed. What helped me from losing my mind was to focus on all the good what was happening, even in the midst of the trauma. There were countless individuals who had travelled to the area to help as they were able, and even in the chaos and panic, I tried to focus on the good that was being done. I would say to myself, “At least there are other people here that care. At least we are trying to do what we can. At least some animals have been rescued.” This doesn’t altogether minimize the pain and heartache, but it certainly helped me keep my head above the worst waves of overwhelm. I hope that can help you as well.

Finally, acknowledge the pain you feel when witnessing someone else's suffering. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, and recognizing that helps you navigate your emotions. Time doesn't eliminate these feelings; it allows us to integrate them into our lives.

Remember, you’ve faced challenges before, and you’ll face them again. Each trial is an opportunity for growth. When I remind myself, “I’ve been through tough times before, and I will get through this,” I find hope.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. I encourage you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. How have you supported others through their pain? Let’s keep this conversation going so we can uplift each other in times of grief.